I am spending my child support on dildos
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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