I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
