I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
