She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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