I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
