and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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