false alarm. still invincible.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
