My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
