Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
