Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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