I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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