In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
