At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
