Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
