You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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