Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
