Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
