sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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