you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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