i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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