youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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