My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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