Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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