I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
