Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
