my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
