Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
