last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
