3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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