you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
