The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
