I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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