Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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