just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
