I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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