Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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