There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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