On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
