Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
