Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
