i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
