I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
