I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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