His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
