Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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