Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
