Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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