Apparently you make a good broom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
