she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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