My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
