you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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