i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
